


if this is real, why don't we feel a little bit more

by sinjoong (undeliveredtruth)



Series: atz requests & randoms [4]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Feels, Flashbacks, Friends With Benefits, Getting Back Together, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Break Up, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, who knows!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:28:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23511622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undeliveredtruth/pseuds/sinjoong
Summary: Seonghwa lives his life in flashbacks, in weres and might-have-beens. In what he could have done differently, in bittersweet memories, the taste of strawberry on his lips, and the ghost of all-too-sure hands on him. Between the question of whether he should finally attempt to get closure and the hope hanging on a very fine thread that Hongjoong might come back to him.And if Hongjoong comes back, will it work out?
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Series: atz requests & randoms [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1702567
Comments: 9
Kudos: 100





	if this is real, why don't we feel a little bit more

**Author's Note:**

  * For [myturntocry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/myturntocry/gifts).



> To Sai: This is a few months late, I should be embarrassed by now, but I'm just grateful that you get me. Thank you for making fandoms (the many that we're in) and life in general way more exciting and fun. <3
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this! <3

Sharing an apartment with Hongjoong, one of his acquaintances' friends during junior year was not a terrible thing at the start. He was quiet, and was always either in the music department building in the small studios the school offered for students who wanted to learn producing, or stuck in his room for hours on end. 

He didn't use the TV, didn't even use the kitchen much besides occasionally making ramen and storing soft drinks in the fridge, always cleaned up after himself in the bathroom and the living room, never made noise, never brought friends over, never took anything of Seonghwa's. The only time they hung out was when Hongjoong happened to work in the living room and Seonghwa decided to watch TV next to him and he stayed, maybe sometimes snook a glance at the TV to make a short comment. Most of the time it was like he wasn't even there, and Seonghwa was pleasantly left to his own business. 

Seonghwa wishes that two weeks into the first semester, when Hongjoong came out of the shower in just a towel and Seonghwa found on Hongjoong's hip the same pattern of flowers and branches as on his wrist, he could say that something _changed._

But in reality, it barely did. And now, nine months after, Seonghwa looks at Hongjoong sipping a beer across the room, quiet and alone despite the ruckus of the party, and Seonghwa aches after something that wasn't even his to begin with.

_"Is... is it alright if I come in?" Seonghwa hesitates in the doorway of the living room, waiting for Hongjoong to look up at him._

_He doesn't, he only hums an ambiguous noise, but Seonghwa takes it as an affirmative and sits down at the end of the couch with his laptop and his headphones. There's an assignment to turn in at 5, he's been working on it the whole day, and it's 4:19 and he's barely halfway through._

_He gives up._

_Hongjoong's shock of red hair still takes Seonghwa by surprise. He's so quiet, so reserved, and so focused on his work Seonghwa forgets sometimes that Hongjoong must have a life of his own. The red hair certifies somehow to Seonghwa that Hongjoong has a lot going on behind what he shows._

_At some point, after what feels like hours staring absentmindedly somewhere behind Hongjoong, he gets caught back in his work. The assignment gets submitted half an hour late, but the professor likes him, so Seonghwa hopes he'll get away with it. After turning it in, he can't help but let out a long sigh, slamming his laptop shut._

_When he lifts his eyes, Hongjoong is looking up at him. Seonghwa feels the indignation and the unfairness of the last couple of days bubble up and burst when Hongjoong quickly looks away like he's been caught doing something_ wrong. _They are_ soulmates, _for fuck's sake, but for three days, Hongjoong's been acting like he didn't see_ anything.

_Seonghwa feels both offended and annoyed._

_"Hey, can we talk?"_

"Oh, hyung. Hi," Yunho greets him with a tap on his shoulder, sitting down on the couch next to him. His line of eyesight falls right on Hongjoong who's now chatting with Mingi, and Seonghwa can almost feel Yunho sigh in exasperation. "You're still not talking?"

"He doesn't want to talk to me." 

"Hyung... I tried to talk to him. He won't listen." 

Seonghwa sighs. It seems like this is all he's been doing for the past semester, or maybe even before: sighing. "Thank you, Yunho, but it's alright. I can't force him to talk to me if he doesn't want to." 

"I know, but it seems to all of us like he's not thinking of you. Like he's only thinking of himself."

The atmosphere of the party has long been ruined for Seonghwa; there's no point in staying more. "You shouldn't blame him, alright? I get it."

_"This is Hongjoong, my... roommate," Seonghwa introduces Hongjoong to the five people he calls his closest friends, silently praying they'll behave and not freak Hongjoong out._

_"Hello! Seonghwa-hyung has told us a lot about you!" San excitedly gets up to hug him, and while Hongjoong seems to not mind the skinship, Seonghwa doesn't miss how he looks stiff and nervous._

_They had decided... not to tell anyone. Or more like Hongjoong had asked Seonghwa, and Seonghwa, because he couldn't even ask why, agreed without even saying anything like an idiot. Hongjoong left the room with a small smile and Seonghwa was left there asking himself what the hell Hongjoong actually wanted from him._

_Or if he even wanted_ something.

_Now, as Hongjoong shoots him a pointed look pretty much asking if he's actually gone and told anyone, like he's betrayed his trust, shame bubbles in Seonghwa for hoping Hongjoong does. When that's clearly not the case._

_What's even sadder is that Hongjoong gets along perfectly well with his friends; 20 minutes before the movie starts and Wooyoung and Mingi have already declared Hongjoong his new favorite hyung._

_Seonghwa sits on the couch in their living room, acutely aware of Hongjoong's presence on the floor maybe three meters away, and barely knows what the hell the movie's about._

Seonghwa knows what Hongjoong's lips taste like. 

More like he couldn't forget even if he wanted. Like the strawberry-flavored gum Hongjoong chews when he's stressed, the strawberry chapstick he enjoyed just because he took strawberry as his thing. Seonghwa cannot taste or smell strawberry without remembering the intense, overwhelming way in which Hongjoong kisses.

This time it's strawberry cheesecake. A dangerous mix of nostalgia and a sweet tooth that signifies he's going to make bad decisions over the next few days puts it in his grocery cart.

His phone vibrates in his pocket. A glimmer of hope, entirely unfounded: _it's Hongjoong._

But it goes away in seconds, replaced with the harsh reality that it's not. It couldn't be.

It's San. 

_'Hyung. Can we talk? I think we need to talk. Come over.'_

_"I have to say something."_

_Hongjoong looks up._

_Seonghwa had come into the living room with words well-arranged in his brain, detailing explanations of feelings he didn't find meaning in burying. He always believed in saying what he has to say, that there's no point in hiding._

_But as he sees Hongjoong hunkered down over his laptop, headphones forgotten, looking every day more and more like Seonghwa doesn't even exist to him..._

_The indignation burns in his chest._

_Seonghwa braces himself, tries to be calm; Hongjoong blinks._

_"I've gone with the silence and everything for two weeks because I thought you were confused or something, needed time to sort your thoughts out. But you don't look confused. You look fine." He so rarely gets angry that the deadly poison he feels might come out seems threatening even to him, so he tries to hold it back. "If us being soulmates means nothing to you, at least tell me, please, so I know where we stand."_

_In many of the stories he's read throughout his life, meeting your soulmate was a happy memory. Whatever it was, platonic, romantic, in whichever way people chose to take this archaic concept, it would feel good knowing that someone there is made to work well with you. Love you and cherish you for who you are, and you'd never have to mold yourself into anything else for anyone._

_But Seonghwa barely knows this man. Seonghwa stands here, in front of someone he barely knows beyond saying hello in the living room and hanging out once with his friends in their apartment because they asked to meet him, and wonders why is he even angry. What did he even expect?_

_"I'm sorry." Hongjoong plays with the rings on his fingers, looking straight up at him. If he's nervous, he's not letting it show. "I didn't mean to be an asshole to you."_

_Seonghwa's read too many novels and forgot how cold reality really is. Hongjoong's doing a good job reminding him of it though._

_"I should've been more straightforward with you then when I asked you not to tell anyone. I'm not... I'm not interested in emotional connections. I don't want a relationship right now."_

Oh.

_A really good job of it._

_"Uhm, so then..."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_Seonghwa almost wants to tell him there's no need to apologize. What for? For Seonghwa forgetting to take off his rose-colored glasses? There are people who don't like the idea of soulmates. It was foolish of Seonghwa to think someone would like him or want him just because they're that._

_"Uh... do you want anything?" Hongjoong continues, said like he's just asking out of politeness. Like he was just about to pop off to the GS25 on the corner to buy ramen and toilet paper and on the way out of the door, thought to maybe ask Seonghwa if he's hungry._

_Hongjoong seems denser than a fucking brick._

_And Seonghwa needs to get over the knight in shining armor dreams he had made up in his head when he was a child._

"I didn't know him, Sannie. I didn't know him at all. How could I know what to do?" 

San's hand runs through his hair with a comforting hum, Seonghwa's head in his lap. He's been through this dozens of times, but by now, San knows him well enough to know how to encourage him to say more, to let go.

"So you're just going to give up?"

"I don't know what to do. I don't wanna text him." 

"Why? Out of pride?"

Seonghwa hums. 

"Maybe, I don't know. It just... I feel like he should come to me first. I've laid my cards on the table a long time ago." 

"But have you? It seems to me like it was always just sex. What if he didn't know what you really wanted?" 

_A month into the semester, two weeks after the discovery of their bond, Hongjoong is more away than he is home. Seonghwa told his friends he met his soulmate but didn't tell them anything else besides the fact that he was very much not wanted. Mingi and Wooyoung have somehow convinced Seonghwa that going to the club for a university-sponsored party in Itaewon and hooking up with someone else is the right thing to do._

_It's not, not by far, but Seonghwa ends up with five overexcited teenagers at his front door one hour before the time they set to meet anyway, all in various states of undress. Seonghwa thinks the thing San is wearing is more like an inch of material with sleeves than a top, but Wooyoung has a perpetual expression halfway between constipation and fainting, so maybe it bodes well._

_Anyway, it shouldn't surprise Seonghwa when he ends up in black jeans that honestly cut all airflow to his private regions, a black turtleneck and a leather jacket, make-up heavy around his eyes and newly-black hair styled, courtesy of Yeosang. Even he's out tonight and Jongho is looking mildly entertained by his hyungs' antics, so it must be a big deal._

_Seonghwa didn't know getting him laid was a national emergency now, but he guesses it must be._

_The club is packed full when they enter after half an hour in line, so he holds onto Yeosang's hand as Mingi pushes forward first to get them to the bar. No fun without alcohol is his friends' motto, so Seonghwa finds himself quickly downing two shots and then being dragged again by San to a relatively freer spot on the dance floor, right in front of the raised stage the DJ booth is on, as the rest of his friends stay around the bar._

_Seonghwa's never been shy and has always loved dancing, so it's not like clubs are foreign to him. Barely there lights, the heavy cigarette smoke, even the feeling of being watched from the second floor on the club by people, all of these he would go so far as to call comforting - he knows he looks good, and he's never been against showing it off._

_Neither is San, with whom Seonghwa has been going to clubs since neither of them were anywhere near the legal age to do so, high school kids in shady Busan clubs and bars that didn't check IDs if you were dressed the right way._

_And so they put on a show, Seonghwa's hands on San's hips and San's head tipped back on Seonghwa's shoulder, mouth open and hair tussled. For San, since this year, the show has been less about having fun and more about getting Wooyoung to finally snap. But Seonghwa is having fun being watched, and when Mingi joins them, sandwiching San between himself and Seonghwa, he knows they must make quite a sight._

_So when he moves his eyes up and notices some people on the second floor's eyes on them, he's not surprised. But then he moves them a little left, catches sight of a familiar face, and freezes._

Hongjoong is here. 

_"Hyung, are you okay?"_

_Hongjoong is here, someone's hand on his shoulder but his eyes are fixed to Seonghwa's, unwavering. He'd say Hongjoong's expression is unreadable, but in all honesty, it's not._

_"Help me here," he says in San's ear, and like a well-choreographed dance, San turns towards him, throwing his hands over his shoulders and burying his face in his neck. Seonghwa buries a hand in his hair, gripping tight._

_When he looks back up, Hongjoong's in the exact same position, his gaze fixed on them in the exact same way._

_Hongjoong doesn't want a relationship. Seonghwa gets that, and he is alright with it. Soulmates are more of a guidance than a requirement in today's day and age, and Seonghwa's started coming to terms with that._

_But Hongjoong never said anything about a physical connection. And Seonghwa's no stranger to purely physical connections._

_"Are you sure that's smart, hyung?" San angles himself towards Seonghwa's ear again, shouting to make himself heard. "I mean, with your soulmate and everything..._ oh." 

_Seonghwa can almost hear San putting two and two together._

_"Don't tell me it's him."_

_"I won't tell you," Seonghwa responds._

_"Hyung... is that smart?" San counters again, but Seonghwa's decision has been made._

_If that's what Hongjoong wants, Seonghwa is fine with that._ More than fine.

_When he looks back up again, Hongjoong is gone._

_"I'm gonna go get a drink," he tells San, who lets him go. Seonghwa sees him immediately turn to Mingi, eyes darting to where Wooyoung, Yeosang, and Jongho are, and leaves with a smirk; San will always get what he wants._

_He picks a corner of the bar that is the least lit-up and orders, knowing he'll stand out anyway if Hongjoong looks hard enough. As expected, he doesn't have to wait long; barely a minute after he gets his drinks and someone's tapping him on the arm, strawberry-red hair in front of his eyes._

_"Hi," he sees Hongjoong mouth to him, and Seonghwa wordlessly pushes the second shot to him with a wave of his hand._

_Hongjoong takes it, downs it in one smooth move, bites the lemon clean off the peel, and has his hand on Seonghwa's chest crowding him to the bar in less time than it takes Seonghwa to put his glass back down._

_"Your hair looks pretty," Hongjoong reaches up to speak into his ear, voice low and affected. Seonghwa feels a shiver run down his spine. "I need to know that you want the same thing."_

_"I do," he answers Hongjoong with certainty. At least that he knows; soulmate situation or not, Hongjoong is hot as fuck, and Seonghwa itches to get his hands on him._

_All of a sudden, there's a hand on the back of his head pulling him down and a hot breath on his lips. Seonghwa appreciates the courtesy._

_But he doesn't need it._

_His and Hongjoong's first kiss has no fireworks, no feeling of something right settling in like his mother had explained all that time ago._

_It has the burning insistence of need tingling in Seonghwa's fingers when he lays them on Hongjoong's waist, an insistent hand gripping the back of his neck, and a tongue gliding filthily on his when it becomes clear that Hongjoong is one to_ take.

_Hongjoong's an awfully good kisser, that much Seonghwa can conclude with the mush his brain is at the moment. And he has the most intense eyes he's ever seen in a person, Seonghwa decides when he sees him take two steps back and drag Seonghwa to the dance floor with a purposeful look in his eyes._

_Fine. If that's how he wants to play._

_Seonghwa turns him around and pulls his back to his chest in one quick move, Hongjoong's body almost bouncing on him. His hands sprawl on the front of Hongjoong's hipbones, his leather pants almost painted on. Seonghwa's already getting dizzy with want from the perfect way in which Hongjoong's body fits on his, his height enough for Seonghwa to lay his head on the shoulder and kiss his neck as Hongjoong reaches up and behind to fist a hand in the hair at his nape._

_Seonghwa would call it surprising that they fall together so naturally, but it's not. That's why they're soulmates, right?_

_So that when Hongjoong fits his back on him and swivels his hips, Seonghwa feels the need burn throughout his body, to where the tips of his fingers press heavily on Hongjoong's hips. He's never felt this with anyone, this kind of electric connection, this awareness of every point of his body Hongjoong and he are touching, the tingle at the base of his spine when Hongjoong teases his ass over him, his intent more than clear._

_It couldn't be clearer ten minutes later, Hongjoong kneeling in front of Seonghwa in the single-stall bathroom of the club, eagerly unbuttoning his pants._

_It's a wonder Seonghwa lasts the maybe five minutes he does considering Hongjoong's skill and the way he feels out of his skin, on edge all the time when Hongjoong touches him. Never has he ever felt like this._

_To his relief, Hongjoong doesn't even last that long with Seonghwa's hand on him either._

_There's a floaty feeling to everything, to them unbuttoning their pants and cleaning up after themselves without even a look towards each other but while still being acutely aware of each other's presence. Something like Seonghwa's mind is out of his body, everything else around them out of focus, in 144p._

_He'd say something to Hongjoong, but before he can, the door opens and shuts quickly, and Seonghwa is alone._

The light of the lamp weakly illuminates the living room. He should really get a lightbulb replacement for the main light, but he doesn't feel like going out, and his bank account isn't looking that good for the rest of the month.

He should look for another roommate. That would be the most obvious solution to many problems, to the dwindling sum in his savings account, to the dust piling up in the room across the hall. 

To the painful, aching loneliness in his chest every time he comes home to a cold, empty apartment (even if Hongjoong was mostly in his room). To the pain in cooking for one (even if Hongjoong ate his portion cold from the fridge at 5 AM when he came home, if he even did). To the stupidity he feels when he comments out loud on a drama (even if Hongjoong just did his work in the corner of the couch and barely only threw his eyes up when Seonghwa gasped occasionally). 

He's getting lost in his thoughts again. 

Hongjoong is gone, and Seonghwa doubts he'll ever come back.

_On Hongjoong's birthday, Seonghwa cooks him a nice dinner. By any means, he would even call it romantic, candles on the table and a red tablecloth he picked out from the store adorning the nice porcelain table-set he got from his grandma. Right after the dinner, at 10 PM, Hongjoong declares he wants to see a movie._

_One step into the cinema room and Hongjoong pulls at his sleeve._

_"I like the back row," he explains, expression blank, and Seonghwa knows all of a sudden what this is about, and what he's gotten himself into._

_Public indecency, that is._

_Five minutes into the movie, Seonghwa looks around and notices there's nobody anywhere close to them. The movie's an American action flick from the early 2010s so there's barely anyone in the whole room._

_Hongjoong must've reached the same conclusion, if the hand on the inside of his thigh is anything to go by._

_And yet, 10 more minutes pass and Hongjoong does nothing to keep going. He just keeps his hand there, munches innocently on popcorn like he has no ill-intentions, anything. Seonghwa feels the thrum in his veins from the excitement._

_30 minutes in, Hongjoong leans to whisper in his ear._

_"Take off your blazer."_

_Seonghwa obeys because by this point he's almost vibrating out of his skin with anticipation. Hongjoong has his way of making you work for it, no matter in what position Seonghwa finds himself in._

_Seonghwa takes off his blazer and Hongjoong acts like he's freezing, rubbing his hands. Then he drapes it over Seonghwa's lap, his action completely useless._

_"Why the pretense?" Seonghwa raises an eyebrow, whispering in his ear._

_"You don't know who could be watching," he shrugs, clearly completely indifferent as to whom might be._

_This time, Hongjoong wastes no more time to pop the button on Seonghwa's jeans with one hand, drag his zipper down one painstaking centimeter at a time. Seonghwa feels his heartbeat raise with the action, the reality of it settling in. He's never done anything like this, but if it would be with anyone, it's Hongjoong._

_Hongjoong's hand on him feels heavenly, the thrum of anticipation already getting him halfway there. Hongjoong leans into him, the slide of his hand dry as he gets him off slowly._

"Fuck," _a curse escapes in Hongjoong's ear as Hongjoong's thumbnail digs into his slit, bordering on the side of painful. "Fuck, Joong..."_

_"Mmm, is it good?"_

_"Yeah, keep going."_

_Hongjoong takes his hand away though and subtly pretends to cough into his hand, but Seonghwa can see his tongue licking over his palm. When he puts his hand back on Seonghwa, he barely can hold back the groan._

_"You're insane, Joong-ah..."_

_"But you love it."_

_"Mm," Seonghwa turns again to whisper in Hongjoong's ear as the hand on his cock tightens, and his filter gets lost with the pleasure. He doesn't mind being in public half as much as he thought he would. "I'm going to ruin you later for this. Fuck you until you cry."_

_The hand on Seonghwa stills abruptly, but Hongjoong shows no reaction. If all, he just looks more bored, leaning back on the chair._

_Seonghwa would have been confused if not for how barely a minute later, Hongjoong yawns and closes his eyes. And then slides into his lap._

_Seonghwa's eyes widen._

_He does so smoothly, like he fell asleep with his head in Seonghwa's lap, wiggling himself to the side so that his head falls right above Seonghwa's crotch._

_Well fuck._

_Seonghwa's not sure how he does it, but he wiggles for a bit and somehow he ends up under Seonghwa's blazer, letting it cover his shoulder like he would a blanket. It would be no mistaking what they're doing if someone were to see them, but Seonghwa's too excited to care._

_He's not going to last long anyway, not when Hongjoong drags his lips over the base of his cock and up, taking him into his mouth in a second._

_Between the two of them, Hongjoong is the one with the blowjob skills. He's a menace with his mouth, be it when he teases Seonghwa with his tongue or deepthroats him and looks like he's in heaven doing it. Seonghwa had never experienced anything of the sort before Hongjoong, wasn't one for receiving blowjobs much, but the sight of Hongjoong's strawberry hair moving in his lap and the feel of his warm mouth around his cock do the job every time. Maybe he's just never known a job well done before Hongjoong._

_On a particularly skillful tongue trick, Seonghwa can't help but grab a fistful of Hongjoong's hair to keep himself sane. Hongjoong answers by tapping twice on his hip, their signal for how Seonghwa can fuck his mouth now._

_Seonghwa almost ascends to heaven, but gets back to himself to obey anyway, pushes Hongjoong down slowly, really slowly, until his throat tightens around him. Hongjoong also has barely any gag reflex, something he was quite surprised by until Hongjoong explained to him with explicit imagery that he trained himself out of it._

_More than lost in pleasure, Seonghwa is hyper-aware of everything around them, the excitement of being able to be caught any time sensitizing him to the smallest of sounds, of light shifting, of movement around them that might signify someone is onto them, or that they're giving themselves away._

_But even as he pushes Hongjoong down on him over and over again, he doesn't make_ one sound. _Not even the smallest hard breath, a slight moan._ Nothing.

_He's completely silent, and Seonghwa thinks he's never been more in awe of Hongjoong. An absolutely filthy thought sneaks in when he looks down and sees Hongjoong taking him in his throat so easily, without even a break._

_He's like a toy. Seonghwa's personal little toy._

_Despite himself, the thought only gets him going, the pleasure quickly rising, silent but deadly. As he lets go and comes in Hongjoong's throat without any warning other than pulling him a little by his hair, Hongjoong only pulls away the slightest bit, just enough so Seonghwa really doesn't choke him. Seonghwa tries to control himself, biting his cheek so he doesn't make any noise himself and give them away, but he thinks he comes harder than he ever has in his life._

_Hongjoong pulls away and clearly swallows, because when Seonghwa looks down at him, he shows off with his tongue out and a satisfied smirk on his lips. Seonghwa barely holds back a moan; it would be stupid to lose it now, right at the end._

_But_ damn _is Hongjoong good at getting to Seonghwa. When he gets back to his seat, nothing giving him away but a slight swell to his lips, and smiles at Seonghwa like nothing happened and he didn't just rock Seonghwa's mind, he feels a weight settle in his chest._

_But in true Seonghwa fashion, he ignores it by getting his own hand on Hongjoong's crotch. Except he's swiftly stopped by a quick one around his wrist, and Hongjoong leaning over to whisper in his ear. A seductive breath in his ear that shakes up Seonghwa's own exhale and he can almost see the flitting smirk on Hongjoong's lips._

_"Wanna wait until we're home. Want you to hold up to what you said, fuck me so hard I can't walk."_

_Oh, is Seonghwa going to hold up to his word._

One stormy night in late March breaks him. All it takes is one bottle of wine and the deafening sound of the rain the drama on TV can't cover, and the thoughts he'd tried so hard to bury come back.

He'd texted San half an hour ago when he got home, knowing the cloud over his brain meant that he'd be close to breaking, but he hadn't answered. 

Seonghwa is halfway between being angry and being terribly, terribly sad that this is how it has to be, that this is what all of this has come down to. And the two leads kissing on the large TV do nothing to help, only make it worse. Seonghwa especially misses the warmth of another body on his, the comfort it usually brings. 

How he had it, or almost had it all. 

He downs his last glass of wine, mind fuzzy, unable to stop the stupid, dumb thought that this is the right thing to do. That his anger is justified enough for this, and there's no choice but to say it, otherwise he'll combust. 

His phone is in regretfully close distance; it's all too easy to notice it because of the red lace. Seonghwa swipes at it, holds a thumb over the button and it unlocks. Unfortunately, he's sober enough to go to his messages and scroll down an unfortunately short amount before he sees his name. 

The last text, left on seen, sits there, empty and painful. Seonghwa had not dignified Hongjoong with an answer before. 

Until now. 

_'I think I deserve to know why.'_

The next morning, a 'Read 04:55 AM' sits tantalizingly under his text message.

_"Hongjoong!" Seonghwa rages from the bathroom, which by all means looks like a crime scene. "I told you to clean up if you dye your hair!"_

_"I did!" A shout comes from the living room. Seonghwa's forehead veins might pop like in those anime Hongjoong likes to watch because he's staring at drips and splats of red hair dye right in front of his eyes._

_"So then why the hell do the toilet and the bathtub look like they've been murdered?"_

_"Where?" Quick patters approach the bathroom, and Seonghwa points at the spots in question with the toilet brush in his hand from when he was cleaning the inside. "Oh fuck, I must've missed those."_

_"Damn right you did. Go get bleach, we're out of it. Quick, before they set more than they already have."_

_Hongjoong would grumble, you can see it on his face, but Seonghwa would have his head if he did, so he quickly understands the situation and leaves._

_10 minutes later, he's back with a liter of bleach. Seonghwa wordlessly hands him gloves and a sponge and gets his own, diluting the bleach in water and putting the bucket between them._

_Intensely scrubbing a toilet together is a bonding experience like no other, Seonghwa quickly comes to find out. Not because they converse much, but the ridiculousness of the situation leaves quite a funny feeling to the air._

_"I'm sorry," Hongjoong says after most of the spots are now scrubbed away, or mostly so, without even looking at Seonghwa. "I know how much the apartment being clean matters to you."_

_Seonghwa is understandably taken at least a little bit by surprise by the low tone of Hongjoong's voice; he's clearly uncomfortable with apologizing, but he did it anyway._

_"It's alright," Seonghwa answers quickly, the fact that he's taken aback probably evident in his tone. "Uh... I think it's probably done. You can go."_

_Hongjoong gets up but suddenly stops in the entryway. "Can I help you with anything?" He asks, and Seonghwa can tell that he's not asking just to ask._

_He quickly considers it; he prefers cleaning alone with his headphones in, a podcast or a happy song on, as this is his relaxing time, but Hongjoong... Hongjoong looks weirdly open, honest, pliant right now. Selfishly, Seonghwa wants to see that for a little more._

_"Do you want to wipe down the sink? The cleaning solution is under the sink, sponge under there too."_

_Hongjoong nods once and gets to work._

"This is an intervention," Mingi declares when he almost busts down Seonghwa's poor door after he had taken more than five seconds to answer it.

San, Wooyoung, Yeosang, and Jongho are trailing behind him with bags of takeout and some other stuff. Seonghwa is sure one consists solely of soju bottles.

"I don't need an intervention." He doesn't. He's showered this morning, cleaned his whole apartment, did his readings for the next week even though it's barely Saturday, and made time to call his mom. "I'm doing fine." 

San throws him a look out of the corner of his eye and jumps into his arms, wrapping his legs around Seonghwa's waist with a cute noise. He should be glad Seonghwa loves him because otherwise he'd drop him on his ass.

"So what is this an intervention for?" He dares ask when an entire convenience store and all the bunsik he can think of is spread out on his coffee table and the floor.

"For the fact that you don't spend time with us anymore," Mingi mumbles with his mouth full, and earns himself a slap on his thigh from Seonghwa for almost spitting tteokbokki on him.

"I do. We met for lunch just a few days ago." 

"Hyung... that was almost two weeks ago." 

Oh. Was it? Seonghwa must've lost track of time.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." 

"You're excused," Yeosang jumps in, probably sensing Seonghwa's guilt. "Just drink with us?"

Seonghwa is not the biggest fan of drinking, but he takes his own soju bottle anyway and takes a swig from the bottle. Maybe that's what he needs now. To forget.

A couple of hours later they're all pleasantly tipsy and sitting on the floor, food mostly gone and the random comedy show on the TV obviously an empty distraction. Seonghwa can sense Wooyoung has something to say from before he even opens his mouth. He's the most open, daring one, so it makes sense he's the one to bring up the elephant in the room.

"Hyung... are you doing okay?"

Reactions softened over by the alcohol, Seonghwa finds it harder to nod convincingly. 

"We're all worried about you, you know? I know you seem like you're doing fine, but it's like you're not really here. We don't know what to do." 

From his spot on the floor laying with his back on the sofa, Seonghwa turns his head to Wooyoung.

"I'm alright. I'm trying to move on, it's just taking some time." That's admittedly the most honest he's been in a while with anyone, even with himself.

"Can we talk about it? Like soulmates and stuff or..."

"Sure," Seonghwa nods. It's not like there is a gaping hole in his heart or anything of the sort that makes him terribly sad at any mention of Hongjoong or soulmates. He thinks that's a bit dramatic, to be honest; he's just trying to unlearn habits that he'd learned with him so he's not constantly reminded of nice things he doesn't have anymore.

"How do you feel?"

"Like when? Now or before?"

"Now?"

"I feel... I don't know, to tell you honestly," he breathes out. He doesn't open up like this much, but right now, he doesn't see the point not to. "A bit... empty?" 

"Like how?" Mingi grumbles, head in San's lap where San is playing with his hair. 

"I don't know. Having a soulmate is kinda like finding something new. Like... it's maybe not something that you need, but now it's something nice that you have, and when you lose it, it feels strange. But that might just be the relationship in itself. Don't really know."

"Were you dating?" Yeosang asks from where he's laying on Jongho, eyes fixed on Seonghwa.

"No, just hooking up and hanging out. But still. Maybe it would've been worse if we were dating."

Seonghwa thinks his friends are really nice for not pointing out the obvious for so long. That Seonghwa lives alone now.

"So... are you going to be able to move on?" Wooyoung hesitantly asks, knees tucked up to his chest. There's something, something a little bit careful, guarded in his expression. 

"Maybe in a bit, yeah. Not yet though." 

"Do you think you'll ever be able to date someone who's not him?"

Seonghwa hums, the question taking him by surprise. He never even considered that. Hadn't thought of dating anyone since he met Hongjoong really.

"Maybe? Didn't... didn't even think of that, hmm." His fingers tap patterns on the floor. "What about you all? Would you ever date someone who's not your soulmate?"

To his surprise, it's Jongho who answers first. 

"Don't think so. If he wouldn't want to date me I'd understand. But otherwise, I'd definitely want to be with him."

Seonghwa hums in understanding. Jongho is a little bit like that. Young but mature, maybe even a bit traditional, white picket fence and big family and all of that. Seonghwa finds it admirable that he knows what he wants so early in life, and maybe he relates to the same things a little bit.

"I definitely would," San chimes in, affirming. "I don't care that much. If someone likes me and I like them, that matters much, much more to me than the universe trying to choose someone for me." 

"Same," Mingi nods from his lap. "I wouldn't really care either way." 

"Mhm," Yeosang nods. "I don't think I'd care either, but it would be nice to be with my soulmate. What about you, Wooyoung?" 

Wooyoung's head shoots up like he was disturbed from his thoughts, kind of on edge. Seonghwa shoots Yeosang a quick look. He gets it too. 

"Uh... I don't care either. I... would like to date someone who's not my soulmate." 

"Ooh, who is it, Wooyoungie?" Mingi teases him, instantly catching on, and Wooyoung blushes a deeper shade of red instantly from where he was already flushed from the alcohol. God, _finally._

Seonghwa waits the necessary few seconds for the awkwardness to settle, so Wooyoung can't hide in the eyes on him.

"Mingi, stop teasing Wooyoung. Come on, you're all falling asleep. Time to go home, you've intervened enough," he gets up, ignoring Mingi's groan that things were just getting interesting. For how smart he is, he really can't sense the atmosphere of the room sometimes.

When they're all putting on their shoes, San comes to him with a pout. "Hyung... I don't want you to be alone and for me to rub this in your face right now. Misery shared is misery halved." 

“I'm sure that applies to just talking, but joy shared is joy doubled," he chuckles, taking San's hands in his. "Sannie, listen to me. I’m alright. You don’t have to be miserable for me, that’s the last thing I’d ever want,” Seonghwa smiles at him, San’s hands nervously gripping his. “You deserve your happy ending. Go get your man.”

San throws his arms around his neck, tightly hugging him and whispering a shaky _thank you, hyung_ in his ear. Seonghwa pats his back when he lets go and sends him towards the door with warmth in his heart. San deserves all the good in the world and not one thing less.

“Wooyoungie!” San calls out, and the other boy turns with his eyes wide and an unsure expression on his face. Young love, so cute. Seonghwa might melt. “Walk me home?” 

Seonghwa watches them go ahead and shares a meaningful eye contact with Yeosang, who’s holding Mingi back from joining the two. He doesn’t miss Yeosang’s other hand tightly held in Jongho’s own until Mingi turns around to them and they let go, but he knows they’ll come to him when they’re ready, so he closes the door behind them with a smile on his face. 

_It doesn't take a genius to figure out Seonghwa has a mouth kink. Hongjoong easily figures it out a few weeks into their arrangement when Seonghwa was going down on him and he made an offhanded comment about how_ pretty _Seonghwa's lips looked around him - and Seonghwa let out an embarrassingly loud moan, something raw and so_ out there _it even took him by surprise._

 _Seonghwa loves putting his mouth on things - loves_ tasting, _loves the sounds he can pull out of people (Hongjoong) with it, loves seeing the reminders of nights of passion on otherwise flawless skin, so that when he's out, he can look at Hongjoong and know_ he _did that. It's such a childish wish to see this on someone who's not even his, but it doesn't make the knot in his chest any less intense._

_Thankfully, Hongjoong likes being on the receiving end._

_So it's nothing surprising when one night, stressed from finals and final projects, he pulls Hongjoong to his bedroom in his shorts and an oversized hoodie from where he was lounging on the couch doing his work, throws him on the bed, and attaches his lips to his jaw like the entire day all he was waiting for was to get his mouth on Hongjoong._

_It's not like he wasn't. He_ craves _the feeling of Hongjoong under him all the time, whenever and wherever, like he's a starved man and Hongjoong is the oasis in the desert, the only thing that can quench his thirst. Hongjoong doesn't protest, only wrenches a tight hand in Seonghwa's black hair and pushes him into his neck. Seonghwa teases at his Adam's apple and bites hickeys into his neck, teases over them with his tongue until he hears the first moan, and the second, and the third. Hongjoong tenses under him because his neck is sensitive like that, and the more he does, the more he arches up into Seonghwa straddling him, the more Seonghwa pushes and takes from Hongjoong, hands on his shoulders holding him down._

_Time blurs for Seonghwa because he's not sure he hasn't reached another dimension entirely from the careful way Hongjoong's hands rest on his waist now, all too hesitant to move up his back, to his shoulders and back down, like he's unsure if he can touch Seonghwa. Only when Seonghwa puts a hand in Hongjoong's and decisively places it back to grip the hair at the back of his head does Hongjoong exhale a pained sigh and lets go._

_"You feel so good."_

_Seonghwa encourages him with a moan that vibrates on the underside of his jaw, where he's entirely too busy marking Hongjoong's skin to bother with a coherent answer._

_"Your_ tongue," _Hongjoong exhales, unconsciously twitching up when Seonghwa licks over the mark he's already put there. "Feels so good, I like... leave it there. Just..." Hongjoong tilts his head back so Seonghwa takes the hint to drag his tongue down his neck, reaching his collarbones. The sides of his neck are the most sensitive, and it's on the left side where Seonghwa pulls his shirt down to notice fading yellow marks over his collarbones._

_"Back, please..." Hongjoong begs with a low voice, head tilted back. Just this, this much, is enough to get Hongjoong to lose it, painfully hard in his shorts under him, and the knowledge twists something painful in Seonghwa._

Put them back on me. _Hongjoong is getting better with admitting what he wants, Seonghwa has to give him that. It took Seonghwa passing behind him and noticing him tracing careful fingers over the marks on his neck in the full-sized mirror in their hallway after particularly rough sex one night for him to admit that it turns him on beyond belief - Seonghwa both using and worshipping his body like that._

 _If it helps Hongjoong be more comfortable with himself, more acknowledging of the fact that someone really_ wants _him, Seonghwa will give him this and more for hours, days on end if he has to._

 _Not like he_ has _to._

 _Because Hongjoong's eyes looking down at him as Seonghwa pushes his sweater up his chest, his hard cock in his shorts pressing on Seonghwa's chest... he'd gladly see that all day, any day. His fingers tease the marks on Hongjoong's navel, also now yellow and faded, and his mouth attaches itself to Hongjoong's hipbone, where his soulmark is, without even thinking about it, like that's where he_ belongs. _Like that's what he's made to do, tease marks into his skin until Hongjoong is pliant and relaxed under him._

 _"Fuck me." Seonghwa stops the plane of his tongue on Hongjoong's navel at the abrupt request in Hongjoong's breathy, desperate voice._ "Please _fuck me."_

_Seonghwa hadn't planned for it. Hadn't planned for much really, just wanted to be able to touch Hongjoong for a while, have them both relax from the stress of midterms, but Hongjoong sounds so..._

_Sounds like he's the one to need Seonghwa now._

_And whatever Hongjoong needs, Seonghwa won't ever hesitate to give._

When he thinks he's ready to move on, he downloads Tinder. Settling on the couch with a glass of white wine and random snacks, a random drama playing on the TV behind him, he opens with phone with a weird feeling of calm. 

The account set-up takes longer than he thought because he can't decide which photos to choose. In the end, he chooses a couple of selfies, a photo of him with his puppy from home, and a mirror selfie that shows off his outfit and his body, hopefully. 

And then he gets to swiping. 

Truthfully, people make it more entertaining than it seems to be. There's not that many people he'd like to swipe right on who he can imagine actually dating. In the end, he tells himself to lower his standards and actually give this a shot. 

So he does. He swipes right on some people and then calls it a day when it gets boring, going off to take a shower. 

When he comes out, his phone is lit up by notifications. Some are messages from their group chat, but one stands out. 

_Congratulations! You have a new match!_

He unlocks his phone and sees the 1 next to his matches or messages, whatever it might be, and he taps on the icon. An unread message sits on his screen. 

_'hi cutie ;)'_

He can't do this. He can't. It's too real, too soon. 

He immediately deletes the app and locks his phone, leaving it forgotten on the couch.

_"I'm going home for winter break for a bit," Seonghwa announces, hands twisted in Hongjoong's hair while he's kissing down his throat, over his collarbones._

_"You are?" He murmurs, the vibrations traveling down Seonghwa's stomach straight to his dick._

_"For a bit, yeah."_

_"Then I better give you something to remember, huh?"_

_"That sounds good with me," he chuckles, but he's clearly affected, excited at the thought. When Hongjoong puts his all into something, it leaves a mark within Seonghwa he doesn't want to ponder upon._

_"Wait here then," Hongjoong backs off of the bed with a hand on his chest, disappearing to his room, leaving Seonghwa's heart beating with excitement._

_Seonghwa mentioned it to Hongjoong once, in passing, that he was into being tied up and sensory deprivation if it was the right time and with the right person. But even so, when Hongjoong walks into the room with two long pieces of silk and what seems to be lace, Seonghwa's mouth drops._

_Hongjoong goes back to straddling him, dropping his bounty on Seonghwa's chest._

_"Will you let me? Tie you up? Blindfold you?"_

_Seonghwa nods, his heart beating double-time in his chest from the nervousness. It's been long, way too long since he's trusted someone to do anything of the sort to him, no matter how tame this might be. But he trusts Hongjoong, and he's looking forward to being able to dive into this with him._

_Hongjoong takes off his shirt almost reverently, their previous passion and urgency now gone, turned calm. He appreciates that. He appreciates how together Hongjoong is, how slow and careful; it shows that he cares about making this right._

_Seonghwa raises his hands when Hongjoong prompts him to, and he pulls the silk ties, slowly tying Seonghwa's hands to both of the bed poles. He's preferred liked silk over rope or handcuffs because they don't dig in his wrists, and the sensation of material slipping on his skin is quite erotic, teasing at the possibility of breaking free even though he knows he won't be able to._

_"Is it loose enough?"_

_"Yeah, feels good," Seonghwa nods, testing the ties. They're not tight enough to break into skin, but not loose enough for them to slip away if he pulls too hard. It's clear now that Hongjoong's done this before._

_The lace blindfold though, he's never seen anything like that. The lace is soft, doesn't scratch over his skin when Hongjoong lifts it to his eyes, his own fixed on Seonghwa's until he does. Seonghwa nods slightly, just a little bit, smoothing over his own nervousness along with Hongjoong's._

_He likes this slow pace, like it's the first time to do this for both of them. It's not, but it's the first time together, and that has to count for something. Hongjoong ties it with two little knots at the back of his head, leaving Seonghwa unable to see more than vague shapes and movement. The lace is interesting, he has to admit, teasing him with some sight while taking most of it away from him._

_"Fuck," Hongjoong curses under his breath._

_"Mm?"_

_"You look so pretty," Hongjoong breathes out, and Seonghwa feels the ghost of a finger reverently tracing over the silk on his wrists, resting especially long on the one with his soulmark and moving down his arm, over his collarbones, up his jaw and on his cheek, where the lace bites into his skin. "So pretty," Hongjoong's thumb moves over his cheek, harshly over his bottom lip, pulling it to the side, sliding to press over his tongue and push it down, so Seonghwa's panting with Hongjoong's eyes undoubtedly on his lips._

_"You have such a pretty mouth. Can't get tired of looking at it."_

_Seonghwa flusters at the praise but wraps his lips around Hongjoong's thumb anyway, sucking it into his mouth because he_ knows _what he looks like. Knows what he can do with his mouth, swirling his tongue around Hongjoong's thumb in an imitation of what he could feel._

 _More than that, he knows it's the visual. Seonghwa with his arms spread out and tied above his head, his eyes closed behind the red lace blindfold, a flush on his cheeks that gives away how he's feeling. All exposed for Hongjoong to own, to use, to_ touch.

_"Touch me Joong," he whispers after Hongjoong pulls his thumb out with a pop, arching his back._

_"What do you want me to do?" Hongjoong asks, seemingly still calm, even if Seonghwa can feel the slight tremor of his hand when he tries to unbutton his jeans._

_"Fuck me."_

_Hongjoong's hand freezes. "Are you sure you wanna bottom? We don't have to, I can ride you or..."_

_"Mhm, I'm sure. Unless you don't wanna top."_

_"Are you kidding me?" Seonghwa feels lips on his hipbones and his pants pulled off his legs; the excitement of not being able to see anything but some shapes and the tug of the ties at his wrists gets him hard quicker than he probably ever was._

_Hongjoong's teasing doesn't help, his lips moving eagerly over the elastic of Seonghwa's briefs and his hands running up his thighs. He feels_ exposed _to say the least, especially when Hongjoong pulls his legs open and puts his lips over his hard-on, over his underwear. The heat of his breath travels through the thin material and pulls a long sigh out of Seonghwa._

 _Hongjoong takes_ years _to pull Seonghwa's briefs off his legs and Seonghwa's just about to swear at him when hands fall back on his hips, pressing sure over the dip in his waist. "Don't be impatient. I was taking my clothes off."_

_"Are you naked?"_

_"What do you think?" Hongjoong asks with a chuckle right when he presses himself on Seonghwa and_ grinds, _his own hard-on lined up perfectly with his own. It's so unexpected Seonghwa startles, the intense sensation all too sudden._

 _Suddenly, his jaw is held in a strong grip and lips press on his. "Can't wait to_ ruin you, _love," he whispers in Seonghwa's mouth like he's not halfway to ruined already just from Hongjoong's words._

_And enjoying the hell out of it._

_The blindfold means he has to rely on other senses to tell what Hongjoong is doing; on the rustling of the sheets, the opening of the drawer next to Seonghwa's bed and the too loud way it shuts; Hongjoong is excited. Anticipation raises with the feel of the bed dipping where Hongjoong kneels between his thighs, the rustling of the condom packet, the hesitant way he touches Seonghwa's thigh._

_"You sure?"_

_"Get on with it Hongjoong,_ god."

 _The snap of the lube bottle cap; it makes a funny squirting noise, Hongjoong's light chuckle in his ears. The back of his knee in Hongjoong's elbow makes him expect the sensation before it comes, the cold touch between his legs; he lets out a moan anyway because it feels_ good. _The press of Hongjoong's finger inside of him feels strange but not really, more thrilling than anything._

_Impatient Hongjoong adds one more finger the second Seonghwa tells him to and immediately curls them up, searching for his spot. Seonghwa's focus is all on where Hongjoong's touching him, his mind limited by how he's powerless here even if he really isn't._

_It's a nice fantasy though, especially when Hongjoong adds a third finger and Seonghwa clenches his fists in pleasure, the ties digging into the underside of his wrists._

"Fuuuuuck."

_"Good?"_

_"I swear to god if you don't get in me in the next five seconds I'm going to_ end _you, Kim Hongjoong."_

_"I would call you something but I feel like you'd be mad at me," Hongjoong interjects with what Seonghwa knows is a cocky smile, and Seonghwa feels his lip tapped on. On instinct, he opens his mouth and feels the condom wrapper against his lips._

_What a gentleman, Kim Hongjoong._

_He tears into it with his teeth anyway, and Hongjoong's fingers tap his cheek at the same time he curls the others up again, drawing a moan out of Seonghwa. "Good boy."_

_Seonghwa would be mad, even at this, but Hongjoong's curling his fingers into his spot really nicely now and he has no energy to with the waves of pleasure steadily running through him. Plus, being mad is for show anyway._

_"Do it."_

_"Do what?"_

_"Uh... call me whatever you want."_

_"Oh... can I?" Hongjoong asks from above him. Seonghwa feels just a waft of a breath over his cheek, the anticipation making his heart stop. "Maybe later. When you deserve it."_

"Fuck you."

 _"Mmm, not now, baby. Now_ I _get to fuck_ you."

_"If only you did already," Seonghwa throws at him, but Hongjoong pulls his fingers out and Seonghwa's traitorous body lets a soft moan escape._

_"Patience, baby. You'll get what you want." Hongjoong kisses the center of his chest, and Seonghwa can hear the crinkle of the condom wrapper and the barely-there sound of the latex._

_Hongjoong teases the head of his cock over his rim, and Seonghwa would've definitely throttled him by now if he wasn't_ tied up, _but as he is, he's powerless. Small hands hold onto his thighs and finally,_ finally _Hongjoong slides inside him, the sound of relief Seonghwa lets out almost embarrassing even to his own ears._

 _But in reality he couldn't care less, not when he finally has Hongjoong where he wants him to be, slowly moving inside of him until Seonghwa feels_ full.

_"Okay?"_

_"More than okay."_

_Hongjoong keeps his agonizingly slow pace even as he bends down, pressing his chest to Seonghwa's and kissing under his ear. "I can't tell you how much I like this. Having you under me, that I can touch you."_

_Fuck, Seonghwa preferred it more when Hongjoong didn't come with this sweet stuff to him, because the combination of hearing_ that _whispered in his ear and the slow rolls of his hips is really doing things to Seonghwa he doesn't want to acknowledge._

_Thankfully, Hongjoong is more impatient than him and he quickens his speed before Seonghwa has to answer. Maybe he wasn't expecting an answer anyway._

_Seonghwa shuts his mind off. That's the best part of sleeping with Hongjoong when he's like this, how_ intense _he gets because he's so impatient, quickening his pace in an instant and always taking more, his ability to make Seonghwa forget everything incredible._

 _It quickly becomes rough, sounds of skin slapping on skin ringing loudly in the room and the hands on his hips digging in_ so hard _Seonghwa almost feels the bruises form._

_Hongjoong doesn't know gentle now that he's found his pace, slamming into Seonghwa so hard that he can't hold back the desperate, throaty sounds from escaping him. His voice breaks embarrassingly on a loud moan and Hongjoong stops._

_And_ laughs at him.

_"Fuck you Hongjoong, ah."_

_"You sound so eager, love," he teases as he picks his pace back up, his cock dragging maddeningly inside Seonghwa. "Love hearing you."_

_Seonghwa's blood flows to his cheeks but he makes sure he doesn't hold his noises back now, his satoori slipping as he curses under his breath. His voice sounds throaty and rough even to him._ "Hongjoong."

"Fuck."

_"Mmm, Joong, give it to me," he plays it up, aiming to tease, but the joke ends up being on him when Hongjoong lifts his legs up and over his shoulders and the new angle makes him see stars._

_"Holy shit, fuck! Fuck, that feels_ so good, _Joong, damn."_

 _"Good?" Hongjoong asks, closer to his ear, grabbing his shoulder to leverage himself and folding Seonghwa in half as he slams harder into him, driving Seonghwa up the bed. He's_ merciless, _rough like Seonghwa expected it of him but never could have imagined, driving him crazy._

_"Feels fucking amazing, keep going," he whispers, the silk tugging at his wrists and his legs trembling on Hongjoong's hips with every thrust of Hongjoong deep inside him._

_Fuck, he might bottom more often if this is how it feels like with Hongjoong, if he can make him feel as insane as he is feeling right now._

_Hongjoong eventually slows down some when it becomes clear that they're both too close, too soon, his cock dragging slowly inside Seonghwa, and he feels even more filthy than he did five seconds ago, his fists tightening from the pleasure of being edged._

_Before all of a sudden it_ hurts, _his right bicep cramping uncomfortably, and moving it doesn't help._

_"Joong. Joong, can you untie me please?" His tone turns serious, and Hongjoong immediately looks alert._

_"Oh," he exclaims a quick noise and drops Seonghwa's legs from his shoulders, the feeling of him pulling out distracting Seonghwa from the pain as an involuntary moan leaves his mouth. Hongjoong's hands make quick work of the right tie, and the left, and all of his sudden his arms are free, the tension in them now kind of pleasant. Hongjoong massages his wrists slowly, like he's not in a rush, like two seconds ago Seonghwa wasn't getting his brains fucked out of him. "Are you okay?" He asks with concern in his voice, even if Seonghwa didn't use their safeword._

_"I'm good, my arm just cramped," he puts his hands on Hongjoong, finding the back of his neck to pull him down in a kiss, now that he can. The feeling of Hongjoong's lips on his, his eager tongue in his mouth, gets him right back where he was, except now he can_ touch _Hongjoong, feel him on top of him. "Fuck me, please."_

_Hongjoong obeys, Seonghwa can feel him move, and all of a sudden arms sneak up under his knees and he gets pulled down the bed in a harsh move, surprise in his tone as he startles._

_Hongjoong is back inside of him before he can say more than that, his hands harsh on his hips, pulling Seonghwa down on him. He's not gonna last long at this pace, not with the harsh snaps of Hongjoong's hips driving him_ deep, _and the way he's insistently arching Seonghwa's back to bring him closer, find that spot._

 _When he does, Seonghwa sees stars, trembling in Hongjoong's arms, and the asshole_ knows. _Seonghwa barely catches the low chuckle before Hongjoong's arms arch Seonghwa's back even further and he drags his cock over his spot_ just right.

_"Damn, Joong... I'm close, keep going just like that," he throws and takes matters into his own hands, mindlessly tugging at his cock without any sort of rhythm, the way Hongjoong is slamming into him enough to get him there._

_When Hongjoong said he'd ruin him he really wasn't kidding, back bent in half and Hongjoong making him forget his own name, screaming as he comes almost painfully over his own stomach, Hongjoong's name the only thing on his lips._

_"That's it love, come for me, come on," Hongjoong encourages him, not losing his rhythm in the slightest, Seonghwa's moans quickly turning into almost sobs from the constant pressure on his spot. The waves of pleasure keep going and going, and Seonghwa thinks he's never come harder when they finally calm down and he can see again._

_"Did you come?"_

_"Not yet."_

_"Come on Joong," Seonghwa tangles his fingers behind Hongjoong's neck, pulling him down to his lips and changing the angle in the process. Hongjoong slows down to deep grinds inside of him instead, what must feel good for him, and Seonghwa cries out at the intense sensitivity. A high-pitched moan gives Hongjoong away, Seonghwa encouraging him with a hand on his hip as Hongjoong buries himself as deep as he can and comes inside the condom._

_Usually, this is Seonghwa's least favorite part, when he's all gross and sticky and his muscles are aching but he knows he has to get up. With Hongjoong looking at him like he's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, maybe it has some charm._

_Especially when Hongjoong bends down to kiss him without a word, inhaling a desperate breath when his lips touch Seonghwa's, like he's a man starved._

_When he pulls away, resting his forehead on Seonghwa's for three seconds, the three words sit on his tongue. It would be so easy to open his mouth and say them, but for some reason... he can't._

_And then Hongjoong gets up, pulling Seonghwa to the shower, and the moment is gone._

_Maybe one hour later, tipsy drunk on sweet white wine and pretending to watch a movie none of them care about, Hongjoong steals a glance at Seonghwa._

_Seonghwa knows because he’s been watching him._

_All of a sudden, Hongjoong gets up without a word and runs to his room. He comes back with a little paper bag, which he hands to Seonghwa with hesitation, like he’s afraid to give it up._

_“For you.”_

_Seonghwa waits two seconds, to ensure Hongjoong sees the look in his eyes. He unfolds the top of the bag and carefully takes the object out._

_It’s a phone case. A phone case painted white with short, wide, sharp brushstrokes and with a red lace overlay._

_Seonghwa doesn’t have to look for more than a second to realize where he knows it from. It must be from the same batch._

_When he looks up, Hongjoong’s ears are as red as the lace._

_“I... thank you.”_

_Hongjoong nods, tucks his legs up to his chest, his movements just on the side of uncoordinated. His hand fiddles with his chain earring, pulls at it as to psyche himself up._

_“I... chose the red because you’re red. Like... intense and passionate. But you’re not like... black. Like not black red, you know,” he rambles. Seonghwa urges his heart to stay in his chest. “You’re like... like white. You’re intense, but you’re still pure.”_

_Seonghwa looks at him because literally two hours ago the same type of lace was over his eyes while he was getting his back blown out, and it must show on his face because Hongjoong coughs and shifts in the periphery of Seonghwa’s gaze. His eyes are fixed on Seonghwa’s hands, gently tracing the motif of the red lace on the phone case._

_“Or maybe not... pure. Like... you’re bright. You light up everything where you are. And like, your hair and...”_

_His hair? Seonghwa’s had black hair for more than a few months now, he questions wordlessly, tugging at a strand of his own hair._

_And then he realizes._

_“When did you...”_

_“Uhm... A while ago,” Hongjoong admits in a low voice and now, the blush sits high on his cheeks, like he’s been caught in the act. Caught doing something he shouldn’t have. “Like a week after we met. I didn’t mean to give it to you.”_

_Seonghwa’s hand trembles on the phone case, not quick enough to pull his phone out and exchange his boring, transparent one with it. It clicks in place with a loud snap._

_Was Hongjoong imagining it? Did he look at the lace and imagine it over Seonghwa’s eyes, on his skin? Was he thinking of that when he made this for him one week after they met, before they even knew they were soulmates?_

_"Thank you, Hongjoong."_

_Hongjoong smiles at him, hesitant but honest, and Seonghwa wonders how long they will be able to keep this charade going._

Maybe he's dreaming. He must be dreaming. 

He pinches himself, but he's awake. So he's not dreaming. He's not hallucinating either, and he only had orange juice to drink tonight. 

So the two texts from Hongjoong are real. With shaking hands, he opens them, and here they stare at him, right in his face.

_'It hurts, Seonghwa. It always hurts.'_

_'Is it supposed to hurt this bad?'_

_Seonghwa has a train ticket back to Seoul on the 25th, but on the 15th he's already ready to burst._

_Hongjoong is bad at communication and said he'd text even less at home, so their conversations for the past month have been lackluster, if they can be even considered conversations. Seonghwa kept busy helping his parents with their shop, so it's not like he wasn't occupied._

_But he misses Hongjoong. He misses him terribly, and he doesn't have any issue admitting that._

_On the 15th, he changes his train home to two days after. He knows Hongjoong is already probably in Seoul, but he's probably been busy unpacking again and settling in, so Seonghwa doesn't blame him for not texting._

_Hongjoong doesn't owe him anything anyway, they're not dating._

_Well, not yet. Not if Seonghwa's plan goes well, if the scenario he's been planning out in his head works and he'll finally be able to sit down with Hongjoong and tell him that honestly, he's had a lot of time to think and they should stop pretending already because it's not doing them any good. Or at least that's what Seonghwa wants._

_The agony over the possibility of Hongjoong saying no has simmered in Seonghwa for a long time, had quite the while to settle and make him anxious nights in a row when he lays in bed, eyes on the ceiling and unable to calm down enough._

_But in all honesty, Seonghwa is starting to think Hongjoong wouldn't say no. Seonghwa's not blind, Hongjoong has changed a lot over the past months. Seonghwa just prays it's enough._

_On the 17th, arms loaded with bags of side dishes, his mom says a tearful goodbye to him in the train station. He's come home and left home so many times she should be used to it._

_"Seonghwa-yah, be careful, do you hear me?" His mom takes his face in his hands and looks up at him with teary eyes. Seonghwa tries to not break down too._

_"I'll be careful mom, promise. You take care too, alright? Make dad clean more often."_

_"Will do, dear. Go, you don't want to miss your train."_

_Seonghwa wouldn't. He hasn't told his family yet about Hongjoong, but the happiness that he has someone waiting for him on the other side this time, in Seoul, makes leaving that much easier._

_The apartment is dark when he walks in after the long train ride._

_"Hongjoong?"_

_Silence._

_Huh, so Hongjoong must not be home. Seonghwa turns the lights on, dragging the bags of food to the fridge to open it. There's not much in it, barely a few bottles of sauce, and some skincare and vitamins left over from a while ago. He puts the side dishes in the fridge and closes it._

_The first thing he notices is that Hongjoong's minion cup is not in its drawer. Nor is it in the dish strainer, nor on the table, and a weird feeling rises up his spine._

_His Switch is not in the living room, and the tangle of cables he leaves under the TV isn't there anymore either._

_Five steps and he reaches Hongjoong's door._

_When he opens it, it's empty._

_The room is completely empty._

_Seonghwa's hands are weirdly calm when they reach for the phone in his pocket, but the hollow in his chest is nothing he's ever felt before._

'Hongjoong, what the fuck?'

_The reply comes before Seonghwa can move from the doorway._

'I'm sorry Seonghwa, but I can't give you what you want. Please don't contact me.'

Seonghwa presses the call button, breathless. 

"Talk to me. Please talk to me."

The voice on the phone lets out a shaky breath that travels down Seonghwa's spine. 

_"I shouldn't be texting you. I'm sorry, I..."_

"Joong, _please,"_ Seonghwa interrupts him.

 _"I just... umm,"_ Hongjoong coughs, clearing his voice. Seonghwa asks himself if he was crying, and a knot rises in the chest at the thought. _"I've been thinking about your text. And I feel awful because... I didn't want you to be hurt. I left because I didn't want you to be hurt."_

"That's..." _That's bullshit, Hongjoong, you hurt me and you know it,_ he wants to say, but that will be the end of this hesitant conversation, the last possible strand he has to tie him to Hongjoong. He can't give it up. "I realized that. But I still don't understand _why._ We were doing alright as we were."

"Because I couldn't do it." 

"What makes you think that?"

"My life, my history, just..." Hongjoong bursts. Seonghwa keeps quiet. "Fuck this," Seonghwa hears Hongjoong mutter under his breath. "I'll tell you. If you want closure." 

_Closure is the last thing I want from you,_ Seonghwa thinks, and once again, out of fear, he holds back from saying it. He needs to dance to the beat of Hongjoong's drum. 

_"My mom left us when I was five. Her and my dad were... are soulmates. They met each other in high school, their families loved each other, they got married, and had a child. Me._

_But my mom... she wasn't happy. She was maybe never happy, because even if it sounds impossible, I remember crying in my crib for hours on end and no one coming to comfort me or feed me. Maybe I'm just imagining it, but I remember. I know._

_I wasn't able to realize it back then or for a long time, but she was depressed. Very depressed, and having me made it so much worse. But a few years later... she met someone. Someone who made her happy."_

Seonghwa swallows a word that would've been irrelevant anyway. Nothing that he might say could be of any worth right now or ease Hongjoong's pain.

 _"We keep in touch, she calls me and sees me often. I've met her new husband and my half-sister. I don't blame her, you know? How could I blame someone for wanting to be happy?"_ He huffs a chuckle that's all pain and no humor. _"But I blame the system. I blame the system for how my parents were told they needed to always be together even if they didn't make each other happy and stuck with it for so many years._

_I blame the system for how my father has never been able to forget her and move on, and how for 16 years, I've seen the life dwindling out of him. He loves me and I blame myself for how when he looks at me... he sees her."_

Hongjoong breaks into a sob, and Seonghwa notices the tear falling down his own cheek. Oh.

 _"I don't want that, Seonghwa,"_ the voice on the phone is low, insecure, hesitant. So unlike his Hongjoong it physically pains Seonghwa to hear him like this. _"I don't want it."_

"Joong..."

_"But you made me feel like no one else has ever made me feel. And still... it hurts now more than it ever did before."_

A breath. 

_"Isn't it so dumb that a few months overrode everything I've buried my whole life? Isn't that so stupid, Seonghwa?"_

"Can I see you?" Seonghwa asks breathlessly, his heart beating out of his chest.

_"What? Seonghwa..."_

"Don't shut me out. Please... can we just talk?"

_"I... I'm staying with Yunho."_

"I'll be there in 10."

"Hey."

"Hey."

Hongjoong in front of him is all Seonghwa needs to take his breath away. 

"Come in." 

Seonghwa does, leaves his shoes at the door and his jacket on the back of the armchair.

"Is... Yunho home?"

"No. He went to stay with Mingi." 

Seonghwa glances at the pillow without a cover and the blanket folded at the end of the couch and almost bursts into tears. Hongjoong doesn't deserve this, and Seonghwa feels... he doesn't even know how he feels. 

"Can you hug me?" Hongjoong murmurs from in front of him, and Seonghwa's eyes snap up in surprise. He's not quick enough, really couldn't be, to reach out to Hongjoong and wrap his arms around him. 

Hongjoong waits for a few seconds, his arms limp against his body. Seonghwa doesn't let go, wouldn't dream of it. Slowly, really slowly, Hongjoong's hands reach up until they're hesitantly pressed to Seonghwa's lower back. Seonghwa feels him relax inch by inch in his hold; he hopes that some of what he feels is reaching Hongjoong.

It's Hongjoong that lets go. Seonghwa hesitantly takes one step back and follows Hongjoong to the couch.

"Thank you for opening up to me. You didn't have to, but I appreciate it so much that you did even though it must've not been easy, and I won't take it for granted, I promise," Seonghwa says in a breath, his hands in his lap. 

"You deserved to know."

"I didn't. But you told me anyway. And that matters to me immensely, I hope you know that. I don't take it lightly."

Hongjoong nods, and Seonghwa takes a deep breath. 

"My dad's soulmate is his best friend. He met him when they were in high school, and they dated for a while. But it didn't work out, they just decided they weren't made for each other. My dad's soulmate met another guy later, in his early 30s, and my dad started dating my mom a few years before that. My mom's soulmate died when she was really young, too early for her to remember it.

My dad's soulmate is like my uncle. They stayed close, and my mom sees nothing wrong with that or their previous relationship, even in this country, with its prejudices. My mom always read me books when I was young about soulmates, nice fairytales, but they've also always exposed me to the difficult and complicated realities of this bond. And so, all I've ever known is that I wanted to have a relationship with my soulmate, whatever it would be, platonic or not, I wouldn't care. Or at least I'd want to stumble across them in this life, in whatever capacity it might be, even fleeting. 

But I've also known that if I had the chance, if my soulmate would want it, I would want to give him everything. I'd want to give him all the love I have and build something significant, and not take him, or this bond, or anything else lightly," Seonghwa musters all his seriousness, everything he's ever wanted to say, and clasps his hand in his lap, continuing with a shaky breath. "San told me a while ago that he thinks I haven't laid all my cards on the table with you, so I want to do that now. I've hooked up with many people before, many times. I like that. I like that a lot, and I've especially liked it with you. So if that's all you want from me then that's fine, I'm alright with that. If all you want is to be friends, I'm also alright with that, and if you want nothing, it will be hard, but I will also be alright with that. 

But Hongjoong, if you might want to, or even if you might want to try and take it slow... I would love to love you. Properly." 

Hongjoong's eyes shine with unshed tears; Seonghwa hopes he didn't hurt him. 

"Seonghwa..." He starts, his voice hesitant. Seonghwa sees where this is going. He understands. But still, it doesn't hurt any less. "I don't know if that's what I want." 

"Oh... I see," Seonghwa answers with a dejected nod. That's it. He came here and he said what he needed to say, and that's enough.

Except... 

"But..." Hongjoong quickly adds. "I've had a lot of time to think about it. And it hurts more when you're not here. I think it's not what I want, but it might be... it might be what I need."

Seonghwa's mouth drops, his heart beating with hope that he rarely feels like this. Overwhelming, taking over his mind, flowing through his body, giving him wings. 

"I've practiced this speech in my head so many times," Hongjoong breathes out an affected chuckle. "I think my brain is working against me here. I can't shut it up, and it recognizes that you're so much better than me and I'm not ready for this. And that you deserve so much more than me, and I'm holding you back.

But my heart is selfish, and I think it also knows that my brain is hurting you. So, if you'll be patient with me, and are willing to put up with it... I want to give it a shot."

Seonghwa's hand raises to cover his mouth. "Are you... are you sure?"

"Don't ask me twice," Hongjoong warns.

"Oh... can I hug you?" Seonghwa asks this time, and Hongjoong nods, a barely-there smile on his lips. Seonghwa lunges forward and hugs Hongjoong tighter than ever, Hongjoong's arms wrapping around his neck.

His heart is beating so hard Hongjoong must have been able to feel it.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," Hongjoong mutters.

"It's fine. It's fine. I get it," Seonghwa breathes in his neck. 

"Stay over?" Hongjoong asks, his hands clutching at Seonghwa's shirt, and Seonghwa wouldn't ever dream of saying no. 

"You missed a spot," Seonghwa points to the dirty plate in the dishrack. 

"I didn't," Hongjoong grumbles, but he doesn't even look. 

Seonghwa gently grabs his chin with a hand and turns Hongjoong's eyes towards him with a smile. "I was a good husband and cooked the dinner, you should be a good husband and wash the dishes properly."

"You wish you could get a ring on me," Hongjoong teases, sticking his tongue out. Seonghwa ducks in quick like he wants to bite his tongue and Hongjoong ducks, but quickly comes back to press a messy kiss on Seonghwa's lips. 

Seonghwa deepens the kiss, dishtowel in one hand and wine glass in another, and only flinches when Hongjoong's soapy hand touches the back of his neck.

"Ew, Joong!"

"You shouldn't be so hot then, if you want me to keep my hands off of you, love," Hongjoong jokes, turning back to the plate in his hand.

Five minutes later when they head to Seonghwa's bedroom, exhausted and both with classes at 9 AM tomorrow, Hongjoong plops down on his bed with a bounce.

"I'm staying over," he announces. 

"You're in your outside clothes. Not on my bed, take them off," Seonghwa smiles, ignoring Hongjoong's announcement. Like he even needed to say it. 

Hongjoong surprisingly behaves without any question, jumping up and dropping his shirt, his sweatpants and his socks in two seconds, climbing back into bed in his underwear. 

Seonghwa climbs in with a smile still on his face, putting his arms on Hongjoong’s hips when he eagerly climbs in his lap.

"This is the fourth time you've stayed over this week."

"And?"

"It's Thursday."

"And?"

"Move back in."

"Give me the key back tomorrow,” Hongjoong says, his lips attaching themselves to Seonghwa’s nipple.

And that's that. Many things are difficult but the ones that are easy are so much more meaningful, and Seonghwa considers himself blessed.

Happiness is in days like these, with carpet burn on their knees from cleaning the living room and Hongjoong's vinyl collection that has now found its home back under the TV in the small room, and Hongjoong endlessly browsing through Spotify. Or at least some happiness.

"Just choose a playlist, Joong," Seonghwa asks, exasperated by the ten minutes it has taken Hongjoong to look for some music. 

"Shush. I can't find the right vibe."

Seonghwa peers over his shoulder. In the Spotify search bar, _chill cleaning spring afternoon vibes_ blinks at him. In all his exasperation, Seonghwa can't help but laugh at that, pressing a quick kiss to Hongjoong's shoulder. Hongjoong shakes his shoulder, swiping at Seonghwa.

"Just play your music." 

"No wait, think I found something good." 

Finally, music filters out through the TV speakers. But it's barely half a song and all of a sudden, there's banging on their door. 

Seonghwa shares a quick look with Hongjoong, who jumps up to answer the door. 

When it's barely one inch open, Wooyoung bursts through the door like a tornado, clumsily taking his shoes off and making a beeline to the bathroom, almost knocking Hongjoong off his feet. 

"He locked us out of his room. And my key was in there too," San explains with a chuckle, dropping on the couch. "Do you need help? Sorry we're so early."

"It's fine," Seonghwa nods. "Sit, get a drink. If you do, get me a water too."

San nods, and Wooyoung comes back into the living room like he's run a marathon. 

"Sorry about that, I was dying. Also, can I borrow a computer? Need to edit a file quick." 

"Yeah, mine is on the table. No password," Hongjoong nods to it, wiping down an album. They only have a couple left, but Hongjoong looks more than done with them. San comes back with a drink for Seonghwa. 

They finish the rest quick, time in which the others start coming. Soon enough, they're done and the kids are here, so Hongjoong takes his laptop to take to his room. 

Before his jaw drops and he turns to Wooyoung. His expression is _furious._

"What did you do?"

"Me? Nothing! I just edited the file, emailed it, and closed Word." 

"Did you quit all of the program?" Hongjoong shouts, tone murderous. "Did you close my file too without saving?"

"Uh... I don't know, I don't think so? I... don't remember, but I don't really think it asked me anything," Wooyoung's eyes turn to saucers, the guilt radiating off of him in waves. He looks scared, and everyone else is dead quiet.

"Wooyoung _for fuck's sake,_ if you borrow something, be careful with it, god! You wasted _hours_ of my writing, you're such a mess," Hongjoong turns around and walks away, and Seonghwa is surprised he doesn't slam the door of his room. 

Seonghwa looks at Wooyoung and smiles. "Don't worry, he'll calm down. You're fine, you did nothing wrong," he comforts him with a pat to his knee. "You all should go get drinks and something to eat. I'll talk to him." 

He knocks on Hongjoong's door. "It's me. Can I come in?"

He hears a grunt from inside, which he takes as a yes, slowly opening the door. When Hongjoong doesn't look surprised or looks up from his laptop, he closes it as slowly behind him. 

"What's up?"

"He closed a file where I had almost finished my songwriting assignment for this weekend. I had worked on it for a couple of weeks, fuck."

"Can't you find it?"

"Where would I find it, Seonghwa?" Hongjoong snaps angrily. "It's just unsaved. It's gone." 

"Give it to me," Seonghwa waves his hand. "I'll try." 

"It's fine," Hongjoong mutters.

"No, give it to me. I've done this before, maybe I can save it." He kneels on the floor and rests Hongjoong's laptop on his bed, and goes to Documents and the folder where he knows autosave might've saved a version of the document if it's turned on. A quick Google search helps him, and three minutes later, Hongjoong's document opens in front of him. 

"Is this it?"

"This is it. Holy fuck, it's missing only like two lyrics. How did you do this?" Hongjoong whips his head to Seonghwa, his jaw on the floor.

"It's easy if you have some autosave option on. It's okay right."

"It is. Fuck, thank you," Hongjoong frantically presses the save button, slamming his laptop shut. "Damn," he drops his head on his laptop with a groan. "I was going to kill Wooyoung."

"Come here," Seonghwa beckons him up, and wraps Hongjoong in a tight hug. "Calm down, it's fine. Don't be mad at him."

Hongjoong takes a few deep breaths, relaxing in Seonghwa's arms. Seonghwa can feel when he stops trembling and really relaxes, a pout on his lips when he pulls away. 

"I should apologize?"

"You should," Seonghwa pats him on the back. 

He does, and earnestly. Wooyoung still looks scared, but he accepts his apology, and a little while later, he's clinging to Hongjoong like nothing happened while they play random drinking games. Seonghwa smiles at them, and San catches his eye, smiling as well. 

They're gone quite a while after midnight, but when they leave, Seonghwa's still wired up, and so is Hongjoong, by the looks of it. 

"Are you still tipsy?"

"No, I'm fine," Hongjoong answers, wrapping a hand tight in the back of Seonghwa's hair and leaning up on his tiptoes to kiss him. Seonghwa takes it and sneaks his tongue in Hongjoong's mouth, backing him up to the wall next to the TV.

"I'm sorry about today. I've been on edge all day," Hongjoong whispers between kisses.

"I noticed that. Let me take care of you now, alright?" Seonghwa kisses the space behind Hongjoong's ear and down his neck.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you too. You didn't deserve it."

"It's fine," Seonghwa pulls the collar of his shirt to kiss down his collarbone. Hongjoong takes a harsh breath. 

"I can't do anything right with you. It seems like the only reason we're soulmates is for me to take advantage of how calm and together you are," Hongjoong says, but with his arms grasping needily onto Seonghwa's shirt, even this loses the painful edge it once had. His sharp, antagonizing phrases seem less alive day by day, and have started becoming a vestige of a habit that not even Hongjoong seems to want to hold on to.

Seonghwa pulls away completely this time, looking Hongjoong in the eyes with a deadpan look.

"That's alright by me. Now, will you let me make this about you like you deserve or will you keep complaining?" Seonghwa asks and lets the silence rest for a while, his eyes on Hongjoong's. A tender kiss to Hongjoong's neck pulls out a breathy moan, and now Hongjoong finally falls quiet.

Seonghwa pulls him to his bedroom, turning just his desk lamp on, and Hongjoong quickly tugs at his hand to straddle him on the bed, his bangs tickling Seonghwa's ear when he bends down to kiss him, deeply this time. 

"Change?" Seonghwa murmurs and Hongjoong nods, turning so that Seonghwa's kneeling between his legs and can carefully peel his clothes off. His shirt goes first, and Seonghwa kisses down his chest, over his stomach and his hipbones, taking an especially long time to kiss over his soulmark, the tree branches and the little flowers over his hip. He's slow, careful, when he takes his pants and his underwear off as well, and turns Hongjoong over on his stomach.

Hongjoong's small moan makes Seonghwa smile. Hongjoong likes being teased and Seonghwa likes dragging his lips all over his body, and they both like pretending that it doesn't affect them.

But in reality, Seonghwa's own heart beats harder from the excitement, and he can almost feel how restless, impatient Hongjoong is. His fingers trail down Hongjoong's back and he relaxes, sliding his legs slightly open, like a reflex.

"Want me to?" He asks in Hongjoong's ear, laying on his side next to him. 

"Please," Hongjoong breathes out, and Seonghwa turns around to take two things out of his drawer.

The snap of the lube is a Pavlov's reflex to Hongjoong, who lets out a hard breath and turns his face on the pillow to look at Seonghwa, his bottom lip bitten in his teeth. 

Hongjoong's eyes close and his mouth falls open when Seonghwa slides one slow finger into him. Slow, dragged out, just how he likes it, his quickening breathing enough for Seonghwa. 

Hongjoong's always quiet in bed, his signs of pleasure the hard scrunch of his eyes and his open mouth, the way he pushes back on Seonghwa's fingers to get more of him, the way his legs fall open when Seonghwa gets another finger in him. His hips draw slow circles on the bed, in tandem with Seonghwa's slow, maddening pace.

He could do this forever. Watch Hongjoong in the dark room, watch the intense, determined way he silently chases his pleasure, Seonghwa nothing more than something to help him get there. The silence and the darkness make everything seem like a liminal space, something on the edge of his consciousness. When he crooks his fingers, Hongjoong arches his back, his hands scrunching on the sheets and in Seonghwa's shirt. 

It doesn't take him long to come, his hips more intently grinding on the bed and Seonghwa's fingers intently pressing on his spot. When he does, his nails dig in Seonghwa's bicep and he lets out a hard breath, shuddering slightly when Seonghwa doesn't stop.

"Hwa..."

"Turn around," Seonghwa whispers and Hongjoong does, pulling away the dirty comforter until he's laying with his back to the sheets, side pressed to Seonghwa's chest and his head laying on Seonghwa's left arm. Seonghwa drapes one of his legs over his thighs and teases his fingers over him again. 

"Seonghwa..."

"One more? For me?"

Hongjoong nods. Seonghwa picks up the second item, Hongjoong's favorite toy, a white vibrator that hits him perfectly. 

He adds more lube first, sliding his fingers inside Hongjoong again to make sure he's ready, smiling when Hongjoong lets out a hard breath and gets his hand on himself. He pulls out and teases him, testing his patience, before he finds the toy and slides it over him.

Hongjoong's eyes are closed, his hand slowly tugging at himself with no rhythm, waiting for Seonghwa to do everything. Seonghwa's heart flutters at how much he trusts him, how easy it is for him to close his eyes and let Seonghwa take care of him. 

Hongjoong lets out a hard breath and a curse when Seonghwa slides the toy inside of him all the way to the base, giving him no time to adjust before he pulls it slightly out and slowly slides it back into him, creating a slow rhythm. When he pulls it out completely, teasing it over his rim, Hongjoong's hand envelops his and without a word, slides the toy all the way inside himself again, tugging at himself more intently. 

Seonghwa presses the button on the remote next to Hongjoong's head, and the toy turns on. All the way inside Hongjoong as it is, it must press on his spot, because Hongjoong lets out a loud moan and presses his hand over Seonghwa's again, keeping it there.

"Good?"

"So good," Hongjoong breathes, his eyes closed and his back arched in Seonghwa's touch. Seonghwa slides the toy inside him over and over, grinding it slowly on his spot until Hongjoong's tugs at his cock get quicker, faster.

When Hongjoong gets close, Seonghwa can tell by the insistent way he finds his lips, kissing him fervently, breathing heavily in Seonghwa's mouth and mumbling things that he doesn't understand. Seonghwa pushes the toy inside him more intently until Hongjoong comes again with a loud moan, come dripping down over his cock and on his stomach. 

Seonghwa doesn't turn the toy off, keeps going until Hongjoong lets out a cry and the hand not on himself finds Seonghwa's, gripping _hard._

"Seonghwa, _please."_

"Please what?"

"Please, _my god."_

Seonghwa kisses him, feels Hongjoong's trembling thigh on his own, but Hongjoong doesn't ask him to stop. The overstimulation must be too much, way too much, but if Hongjoong doesn't tell him to stop, he won't.

"Hwa..." He mumbles on Seonghwa's cheek.

"What is it, baby?"

In lieu of an answer, Hongjoong takes his right hand away from himself, cleans it hastily on the sheets and slides it in Seonghwa's pants, tugging at his cock.

Seonghwa didn't realize how hard he was until Hongjoong gets his hand on him and he registers that it hurts, his hips snapping out of his own accord in Hongjoong's hand. Hongjoong pulls his pants down and takes him out of his underwear, enough to be able to tug at him. 

"Hwa, turn it off," Hongjoong tells him, and Seonghwa obeys right away. "Don't take it out."

When he does, suddenly Hongjoong moves down the bed, taking Seonghwa's cock in his mouth in one swift move. The warmth of Hongjoong's mouth is _too much,_ he's been turned on for so long he can't control his moans, his hand fisting in Hongjoong's hair.

Hongjoong taps him twice on the thigh and Seonghwa _lets go,_ slowly fucking into Hongjoong's mouth. When Hongjoong slightly chokes he wants to pull out, but Hongjoong's hand on the back of his thigh doesn't let him, pulls him even further in Hongjoong's mouth. 

Hongjoong's _sinful,_ and he's going to be the death of Seonghwa, but as he deepthroats him easily and Seonghwa comes with a shout down his throat, he can't find it in himself to mind in the slightest. 

Hongjoong comes up to kiss him, and Seonghwa's hand reaches to his backside, pushing the toy even further inside of him. 

"Mmm, enough," Hongjoong whispers, letting out small whines when Seonghwa does it just a couple more times before pulling the toy out, feeling Hongjoong clench around nothing under his fingers teasing at him.

"I love hearing you make noise. One of these days, I'm going to make you come so many times you won't have a voice the next day."

"Sounds like a promise," Hongjoong whispers to him with a smirk, kissing his cheek and slowly getting out of bed with a groan. "My back hurts." 

Seonghwa grins and joins him, trying to sweep Hongjoong in his arms jokingly to carry him to the bathroom, laughing when Hongjoong ducks and almost punches him in the chest.

When they get back into bed, showered and sheets changed, Hongjoong's head on his chest, his favorite position, Seonghwa just can't seem to turn his mind off.

"Are you still awake?" Seonghwa whispers to the air, feels Hongjoong nod on his chest. 

"Yeah," Hongjoong murmurs. 

"I just wanted to say something, regarding what you said earlier. And I want you to really hear it, okay?" 

"What is it?" Hongjoong mutters, moving on his chest, his arm tightening around Seonghwa. Seonghwa's hand draws circles on his lower back until Hongjoong looks up at him with curiosity, eyes barely open and a sleepy smile on his face. 

Seonghwa's more comfortable than he's ever been, and Hongjoong's relaxed expression tells him the same thing. 

That they're finally where they want to be.

“It's not true. You give me so much and you need to realize that. But even so, if the sole reason we are soulmates is for me to remind you that you are loved, I will gladly do so every day for the rest of our lives. Alright?”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this and enjoyed this little slice of Seongjoong! You can find me at @bbysvts on Twitter and CuriousCat, and I'm currently taking requests for fics and drabbles for any pairings on there, so come request something from me because Ateez has taken over my life and I want to write them more! Thank you for reading, and I hope to hear your thoughts! <3


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